It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent’s Super.

We’re now the other side of Christmas, I never had time to write about the school Christmas assembly. Before we start. I don’t ‘get’ school assemblies. I never have. In was at a large primary school, 14 classes of around 30 pupils, in a big hall, while Mr ‘Jesus’ Johnstone, the headteacher, strumming his acoustic guitar, which he would always tune up and tell us that it was out of tune because it had been sitting in the boot of his car. Sometimes he accompanied on piano and we all sang religious songs. It meant we weren’t doing proper work, so I didn’t mind going along to them. 

The school of Child #2 is a small village school, usually end of term assemblies are held in the local church two minutes walk from the school. This Christmas it wasn’t the case due to the church being renovated, so we were all in the small school hall. Many parents were not in the seats, but along the edges, getting a better view of proceedings and in turn their children.

I on the other hand was sat cross legged at the back of the hall on top of a 3ft high piece of gym equipment with a large cushioned leather top. No one else has the sense to find the comfiest place, or perhaps their restrictive social graces that inhibit them? 

It is important to be comfortable sitting through and hour and a half of Christmas Assembly. As a step parent I don’t have the emotional bond, most parents have to their offspring. Perhaps that’s why I don’t get the same feelings of pride and excitement that other parents do about attending such activities. Then again, as I said earlier, I, and several of my friends were never bothered if our parents attended our assemblies. 

In case you were wondering, I don’t have any qualms with the content of the assembly, I more have a problem with being expected to sit through it, like it is some kind of special occasion that will somehow change my life forever.

The assembly itself was a combination of 3 Christmas songs for everyone to sing along to, the violin teacher coaxing about 6 six kids to play instrumental versions of carols without screeching, one of which had kids playing ukuleles along with it. There was also lines of Christmas stories and what the kids got up to, and the school choir signing along with their singing, which was really well performed and enjoyable.

I got told off for asking my wife, Which of the kids is that mutant that was attacking Child #2? Apparently this is not appropriate to ask slightly too loud near other parents. It was pointed out and the child didn’t seem at a distance to have any features that said ‘Danger! Sociopath’. I did however see the back of it’s parent’s heads, the bloke, a fat neck with a gold chain, the woman in an anorak. He has been filming the entire performance on his phone. I found it difficult to put prejudice aside and wondered what their home life would be like, it was only a few seconds before it took a League of Gentlemen-esque turn that I escaped from as I was distracted by the head teacher apologising for overrunning. A quick few words and for unfathomable reasons, local minister was allowed a platform during which my internal monologue had to be jailed, and he advertised his Christmas service at one of his churches.

I don’t like the local minister. He took a dislike to me for having coloured hair, and took offense to me and my wife having a private joke, which he never heard, at a kids dance recital. He made passive aggressive comments at the end of it about some people being more grown up than others and glaring in our direction. Since then he can’t look either myself or my wife in the eye, or glares from a distance. 

For a Christian he’s one of the judgmental hypocrite types, one of those who give everyone else a bad name. If Jesus was around he would have told him they were going to see John the Baptist and thrown him in the Nile in a bag of bricks for his douchebaggery. Therefore I see any bile relating to him as perfectly excusable. Over the past year or so he’s taking to dressing down quite a bit and has unkempt facial hair which makes him look like he’s homeless. I’m not sure if this is down to the reducing popularity of the church generally so he has to make up funds by begging or if he’s just a twat. Both options are equally likely.

Minister: Are we all looking forward to Father Christmas coming with our presents?

Everyone: YES!

Minister: Christmas is about the birth of Jesus!

My Mind: No it’s not it’s about squeezing the birth a of religious figure who was born in 4 B.C.E. probably in June over the top of the existing Midwinter festivals because of religious wankers who didn’t like that their religion wasn’t as important and wanted integrate and wipe out the existing religious festivities. You prick.

Minister: Oh what wonderful gift have I been given?

Minster: Lovely sprout and onion chutney!

Me to my wife: It would have been more appropriate to give him a 4 pack of Tennent’s Super.

Wife: Will you shut up!

As it turned out the man stood next to us has particularly strong religious beliefs and my wife was mortified he might have heard. 

What have we learned:

• I’m not the same as you.
• I don’t like sitting through assemblies. Even if the content is good, I’m selfish and think about what I could be using that time for.
• I don’t understand why other people sit through assemblies, I don’t get the need to turn up and film the thing on a mobile phone. 
• I can see why they might want to turn up the first time, or if their kid is doing something particularly special. 
• I don’t get the emotional need to turn up, ‘I’m a parent therefore I must attend.’ Not turning up will not scar your child for life.
• I get why kids like assemblies. It’s fun for them, they don’t have to do boring things instead. I can understand why they enjoy performing to an audience and why they might want their parents to be there. 
• I think differently from others when it comes to seating arrangements. The rest of you are just lacking in problem solving abilities, this is why you get into fights with your families.
• I need to own an air horn to silence people and carry it everywhere with me.
• I desire to express my views even if it may be upsetting or embarrassing, partly because I was far too much influenced by sarcastic characters in sitcoms when growing up, but also because hiding it behind anxiety doesn’t do anyone any favours. I do need to learn to express discontent in a more ‘socially acceptable’ manner, but would be the fun in that?