How To Be A Complete Bastard

Trigger warning: Suicide, there is a section later about ending the game and actions the character can perform. The section is marked with a trigger warning.

This is a game got one Christmas on the ZX Spectrum, based solely on the name. It was a part of a series, which included a book by Adrian Edomondson and board game of the same title. I think I played the board game once, I distinctly remember one of the game cards you could pick up, told you to cut up another player’s credit cards. There was also a book aimed at women, “How To Be A Complete Bitch” by Pamela Stephenson.

The instructions with the game contain a message from Ade. The comment about tory MPs and Astra drivers is one which continues to stand the test of time.

Dear Games Player,

I am a Complete Bastard and now is your chance to learn how from a
real expert. Members of the SPG, elected tory MPs and Astra drivers
don't need this.
However, if you've always wanted to be the sort of person who loosens
the screws from the handles in disabled toilets or sets up a business
marketing Space Shuttle Jigsaw Puzzles, this game is just what you're
looking for. If you've already read my book carefully then you're well
on your way to being a Complete Bastard and if you haven't get out and
buy it NOW ... I need the cash.
It's basically pretty easy to blag your way into a yuppie party -then
all you have to do is make all the invited guests leave and you can
have the place to yourself. Of course by then you won't want to stay
there because the house will be completely wrecked - but who cares?
Yes - that's what being a Complete Bastard is all about.

Have fun you half-baked Bastard,

Ade

SEXY ADE
Adrian Edmondson BA(stard)

The game was a nightmare as so many people struggled to complete the game. The idea was that you’d gate crashed a yuppie party and you try be a complete bastard to make people to leave the party. There were some things you could do that made them leave permanently, there were other things that made them “freeze” so they couldn’t move and you couldn’t interact with them. This post contains the solution and lets you know how I found out a few of the elusive permanent ways to make people leave the party. Some things require you to be drunk, others require you to be sober, some require a bit of both.

The game has two screens “Bastavision” to show you different views of the same room so you can navigate easier, the bottom one spins if you get too drunk.

Oddities and Annoyances

Fun With Farts

You can fart in the game to clear a room as you need an empty room to setup some things. Sometimes when you fart you’d blow up. The logic behind how this works is quite simple, though it took until over 30 years later for me to work it out. If you are in a room with a source of ignition, like the living room which has a coal fire or the kitchen which has a gas oven, the garden room that has a BBQ. If you fart in these rooms you will die and the game will be over. The same logic applies if you open the umbrella and turn into a cooker, if you fart as the cooker you will die regardless of what room you are in.

You can eat curry and compost to boost the fartometer. You can eat the laxitives in the bathroom to max out the fartometer. Random items eaten in the game can also increase the fartometer.

Resetting The Computer

Upstairs there is a computer in a cupboard that you givesa the option to “Reset The Computer”, if you do it resets your Spectrum.

3D Glasses

Turn one window green and the other red for the rest of the game!

It’s All Gone Dark!

You can put one of the plant pots in the green house on your head and the screen goes black for about 30 seconds.

Ways To Clear Rooms

Put a spider on the floor (from the bathroom)
Use the sheet (from blanket box outside bathroom)
Soberly use the chemistry set (bedroom cupboard) to make stink bombs. Get drunk to be able to use them.
Put the fake doggy do on the floor.
Do a big fart (as long as you’re not a cooker and it’s not the kitchen or living room) or the garden room with the BBQ.
Play the piano in the dining room.
Wear the sheet and pretend to be a ghost.
Wear the talc and pretend to be a ghost.

Prematurely Ending The Game (Trigger Warning: Suicide)

Doing any of the following will end the game.

Death

Eat ALL the curry and explode.
Drink ALL the beer and explode.
Eat any of the frozen items (pizza, chicken or body), you get salmonella and die.
Drunkenly drink the weedkiller.
Drunkenly drink the bleach.
Drunkenly swallow the pills.
Fart in the kitchen/living room/garden with the BBQ or if your are the cooker from opening the umbrella indoors.
Drunkely hang yourself with the tie.

Actions

Drunkenly kill someone with the chainsaw or the razor.
Reset the computer.
Drunkenly watch sicko video, party’s over by the time you’re finished.
Drunkenly watch dirty video, party’s over by the time you’re finished.
Drunkenly take a bath, party’s over by the time you’re finished.

Bastard Points

There are various things you can do in the game to get Bastard Points, eating curry and drinking lager usually work but there’s other things

With the matches you can:

Smoke the cigarettes (coats in the hall)
Melt the party record (dining room)
Burn cupboards, drawers, trees, etc.

With the hammer you can smash up cupboards, drawers, chairs, etc.

The furry pet (upstairs bedroom cupboard) can be microwaved while drunk. You can also puke in the punch bowl in the dining room while drunk. Wear the plug from the bathroom around your neck and pretend you’re a BeeGee.

There are lots of things to lose points with such as washing the clothes (soap suds) or eating flowers, wearing some of the clothes. Better to throw them away.

Have some fun and experiment.

Ways To Temporarily Inconvenience Guests

These will “freeze” the guests while they clean themselves up. I’ve put the locations of the items below.

Sober Tasks

Put a pillow case (bedroom) on someone’s head.
Tie them up with the hose (green house)
Use the sticky tape (drawers in kitchen) to tape up the bathroom taps
Put the plant pot (green house) on their head. There are two plant pots only one of them works for this.
Put the bucket (garage) on someone’s head.
Put the worms (tree in garden that has compost heap) down someone’s back.
Put itching powder (bedroom) down someone’s back.
Put sneezing powder (bedroom) up someone’s nose.
Use the sticky tape (drawers in kitchen) to tape up the bathroom taps (bathroom must be empty)
Put cling film over the toilet (bathroom must be empty.
Cover someone in toothpaste (bathroom) – Not sure if you need to be drunk for this.
Cover someone in shaving foam (bathroom) – Not sure if you need to be drunk for this.

Drunk Tasks

Stab them with a dart (bedroom)
Stab them with a pen(coats in hall)
Put ice cubes (kitchen) in their underwear.
Whip them with a cane (green house)
Splat them with a baked potato (BBQ in garden)
Skoosh someone with the fayree liquid (sink in kitchen)
Put the plant pot (green house) on their head. There are two plant pots only one of them works for this.
Pour the plonk (table in the garden) over someone’s head.
Put coal (living room fire) down someone’s back.
Put the bucket (garage) on someone’s head
Put the spare tyre (garage) over someone.
Put the worms (tree in garden that has compost heap) down someone’s back.

Permanent Ways to Make People Leave The Party

This is it, this is the bit you’ve been waiting for! Here’s the tasks that for years people have torn their hair out over trying to work out and usually ended up stroppily reseting their computers in a huff.

We need to find 16 ways to do this. You do NOT need to do them in this order, although some tasks may be better done earlier than others, such as the ones that result in someone stuck in the bathroom, rendering it off limits.

Custard Pie (1)

Go into the kitchen and take the custard powder.

If you are sober, when you go to the cooker you can make a custard pie!

Now you need to get drunk to use the custard pie!

The Rake (2) and The Shovel (3)

Pick up the rake and shovel from the cupboards in the green house.

Now while sober, in an empty room you can do the following.

You just need to wait and the letters will light up within a few minutes as someone falls in a hole and the other whacks themself in the face with the rake.

The Drawing Pin (4) and The Whoopee Cushion (5)

Get the whoopee cushion from the upstairs bedroom, in the same cupboard as the 3D specs.

When the room had no people in it you can out the pin on one of the single armchairs and the whoopee cushion on the other. Again these like the rake and the shovel take a few minutes to take effect as characters wander around the rooms.

Stop Hammer Time (6), and Nail time (7)

Get the hammer and nails from cupboards in the garage.

Get drunk and you can nail someone to the floor!

While sober and in an empty room, you can do this!

The Paint (8) and The Oil (9)

Back to the garage and pick up the can of oil and the paint

While sober you have these options (note the spelling mistake)ooo p

Battery Charger (10)

Back to the garage, pick up the battery and while sober you can do this!

Shears (11)

Get the shears from the garage, get drunk, give someone a haircut.

The Perfume (12) and the Make Up (13)

In a room upstairs (opposite the bathroom) you’ll find the make up. There are two sets of make up, only one of them works for this task, this is the one you want.

In a different upstairs bedroom you’ll find the perfume.

This is where the game wanders into iffy territory, you must find two men and you can do the following things. In this case I’m drunk, but I think you might be able to do these tasks sober. These are problematic because “the other guests beat them up”, the idea that men wearing make up or perfume is embarassing or shameful. At least somethings have changed since some of the problematic attitudes of the 80s.

Choice? (14) Super Glue or Drill the toilet.

You need to be sober to drill the hole, but you can be drunk or sober to use the super glue. Both do the same thing, they make the bathroom inaccessable once someone uses the toilet.

Remaining Items

I can’t remember a 15th and don’t know the last one, I know I could do a couple of temporary tasks to get the last couple of letters. I know that you can get drunk and kill someone with the chainsaw, and that removes someone permanently, but it also ends the game.

However, getting a couple of the temporary ones is enough to win the game. However, we all still want to kno what the last permanent methods of getting guests to leave are! The next section may help you work that out!

How Did I Work All This Out?

To be fair I worked most of them out, casting my mind back 30-35 years wasn’t easy. I discovered the drill and then hammer on the stairs by opening the .TAP file or z80 snapshot file of the game in a hex editor. (I used Hexplorer). And found the section with all the actions. Though the drill is rendered useless by already knowing the super glue on the toilet trick.

I’ve still NOT found what item uses “dismantle”, it’s possible there isn’t actually a method that works, I did think it was the screwdriver that would use it, but I couldn’t find anything for it to work on drunk or sober.

Also FILL’…>> YOGHURT looks like it might be referencing one of the 4 condoms in the game (2 in the yellow bedroom, one in the blue bedroom in the set of cupboards with the computer and one in the coat in the hall), but I haven’t yet managed to get the condom and the yoghurt to interact.

In Summary

This is enough to let you complete the game, but please, let your curiosity get the better of you, help uncover what FILL YOGHURT and DISMANTLE do, or find more uses for the existing items. Let me know how you get on!

If I’ve missed anything please let me know and I’ll update this post accordingly.