Anxiety 7 : It’s not the end, but another chapter.
In the past I’ve been told directly and read about people taking anti-depressants feeling “zombified”. I never really properly understood what this meant until recently. I’ve been slowly tapering off the Fluoxtine and I think I know where this description comes from.
My head has had a break from itself for just over two years now, the anxiety is still there, it always is but it’s given me the distance and from that the ability to spot it easier and not let it affect me. One of the things for me with anxiety was bottling up annoyances and not letting them out, and the medication gave me the ability to learn to express such annoyances and for them to be less irritating and for me to be able not to focus on them. Not letting go of things was one of the issues that used to be one of the core manifestations of my anxiety. Why would stupid things bug me? In some way make me feel like I was some how responsible, that I’d somehow blamed for it? Looking back it seems completely ludicrous but that’s what was happening to me.
Cutting down on the medication has brought back something I never realised was missing, it stopped me getting annoyed, made me feel calmer and allowed me to take a step back from how I felt, I started accepting things for how they were. I might still be annoyed by something but I didn’t hold on to it, I let it go. Learning that a lot of who I am, and how I react to situations are linked, but are not my fault, are not down to things that I have done, it’s been down to past experiences that have shaped me in unhelpful ways and it’s time to rebuild.
I’ve had enough of a break from how I used to be that I now need to if someone annoys me, work out how to politely express that annoyance, so it doesn’t bug me, prey on my mind and unhelpfully bottle up. Also I need to do it in a constructive way, so I feel I’ve explained myself without doing something that may cause myself unnecessary grief.
As for being zombified? The mischievous, devilish part of me has been buried for a while, and is finding it’s way back, my wife has noticed and I think she believes it’s a good thing. I think when people take medication and feel like they’re not themselves, it is a side effect of the medication, it calms a part of people that is closely entwined with stress, anxiety and depression. I can understand how some people would see that they feel that a core part of their personality has been chloroformed. I notice now I feel more strongly about what we might perceive as injustices, as opposed to just shrugging my shoulders and saying “Shit happens!”. To be fair, shit does indeed happen, but we can always do something about it. That space I got from myself from the past two years worked for me, it might not work for others, it’s also allowed me to see where I need to make changes to how I deal with things. For me it’s a bit like Catchphrase “Say what you see!”
Old Dougie isn’t back, upgraded Dougie is here and he’s going to make mistakes, probably misguided attempts at humour. Right now I’ve got an excess of good moods and motivation, that’s not always going to be the case, but I’ve you’ve got to work with what you have. Onwards and Upwards!
