Fear – The Anxiety Chronicles (Part II)
Fear has been an integral part of me since I was very young, for years I was convinced when it was dark that there were skeletons hiding behind my parents bedroom door, and would close it as I went past to my room. Fear in more subtle forms was also lurking. I was near petrified of getting shouted at, and often felt that I couldn’t do anything right if I got told off for things. It deeply instilled in me the need to avoid conflict.
This is where it starts, my eldest step-son, I see so much of how I was as a child in him. He does the same kinds of random things and can’t explain why. Last year for example, we kept finding the bathroom mirror covered in white smears of toothpaste. As parents we try to explain why we are annoyed and try not to put him down when he does these kinds of things. It was realising how similar he was to me when I was his age was the catalyst for me.
My problem with avoiding conflict is that anger would regularly seep out as passive aggression. On occasion the pressure built to a level where there would be a sudden outburst. I would be avoided if concerns were raised when various issues would appear.
This way of being, desperately avoiding conflict, not addressing how it makes you feel, not allowing yourself to be angry. express it. The notion that being angry is bad and I must not be like that, and what happens? I ended up being angry in a worse way, I am pissed off moaning to other people about it, not raising it with person or people who matter, which would relieve the situation. Instead it festers and eats away at me. I’ve been like that for years, all down to fear.
Since my teenage years I was so concerned about someone pointing something out that could be regarded as even ‘mildly mocking’, I just tried to avoid that. These things ate away at my confidence, it wasn’t occasional, it was constant. I felt like I was not someone to take seriously. I worried about looking stupid over the silliest of things. Imagine having to ask someone a question like where something is and not seeing the obvious answer right under my nose, what would they think of me? Irrational and stupid, but that is what anxiety is. I can look back and see where all of this is rooted. I also realise I have a fear of naivety and getting in trouble, and I’m working through both.
Over the years I’ve loosened up in some respects, grown into myself as it were. I love the feeling of ‘normality’ that fluoxetine has given me. There are no more days where I want to hide, so it’s like me on a good day every day, sticking my head round doors and saying ‘Hi!’ to colleagues, it is how I should be all the time, it’s how I want to be and have done for years.
I’ve noticed the medication induces far more vivid and interesting dreams. No one likes reading about other people’s dreams, they’re as dull as dishwater usually, even if mad things happen, or maybe it’s just me and my attention span. Never the less what I’ve found is that, where before there was boring uninteresting things happened, now the dreams are more vibrant and engaging. I had a recent dream where so much happened and I remembered it all in detail, something that never happens. That dream while it put me in a very uncomfortable headspace for 3-4 days, coming out of it I felt more confident, and while it was offset with the dream raising deeply buried issues, that highlighted significant incidents in my past that broke my self confidence. After that dream I started feeling I was becoming free from the remaining shackles of ridiculous self restriction. Putting parts of it to bed. Finally winning some kind of battle. This might not seem much when you read it, but it feels like by subconscious I’m sorting myself out “behind the scenes” and allowing me to address long buried unresolved issues.
The dreams and medication have also give me an insight into myself over the years, I’ve seen how badly anxiety can affect me, weird quirky behaviour, being unable to let go of issues because I wouldn’t face conflict and air grievances, obsession buying things to calm me down. It has taken until now to start accepting myself who I am, despite believing I’d done so in the past, but not noticing the weight attached to my feet. I’m no longer concerned unnecessarily about putting a foot wrong for fear of consequences.
It might not seem like much, but this is how I had been driven for years, seemingly unable to change. I’ve noticed when I feel stressed I snack or that I become concerned with finding something to buy. Look at the lovely vinyl I’ve been buying! Before I was letting it drive me, now I see it and go… no I can wait to buy that. The urgency of “must have now” is gone. I can sit at home at night and I can happily read a book, without feeling I need to check my phone or what’s on TV. Now this might sound more like self control but it’s not. The anxiety caused weird stress problems where I’d become obsessed or just unable to let a feeling go or the need to buy a particular record, or handy item for around the house that I’ve thought about buying for month and never bothered, it became a need to get that item.
I’ve undervalued myself for so long and now I’m in a place where that is turning around, I feel like am actually worth something, worthy of something. It’s a rebuilding of my confidence, and it’s not a hollow or empty statement I’m making myself believe. I feel it! I feel better within myself, it is a slow path, but it’s good as I’m likely to do little seemingly insignificant things, such as comment on Facebook or Twitter and feel I have a valid or funny comment I can make on something, rather than just look at it and let it idly pass by. It’s little things like that it allows me to do. Making peace with myself and my past, that feels like the key.
My day to day concerns are that Joy is having good day, that Luna and our new dog Cassie are happy and that the kids are getting along and I’m not thinking ‘What’s here to disrupt me and possibly get me into trouble”? The other week I felt concerned about how my head is, I was concerned I was getting slightly manic, and feeling the anxiety again from my subconscious digging up long buried items that were never dealt with properly, bringing them to my attention in order to deal with them and it took a good few days to go back to feeling normal. I felt I was not in a place to make a rational decision for a couple of days. That was frightening, I still can’t believe I doubted myself that much, it was like any benefit the medication had disappeared.
When on the other side of those days I actually felt far more confident and happy, as I recognised the issues it raised. I spoke to my doctor about it who chased the CPN, who I can now make an appointment to see. I feel a lot better now, but I will take advantage of this. The problem with mental illness, is that medication helps get you to place where you can start dealing with what is wrong, yes it’s possible it’s a chemical imbalance, and medication might be all that’s needed. For me, and I guess a lot of other people, avoiding the issue makes our problems worse, and needing to talk about, recognise and address these problems.
I don’t know if I have been able to convey the sense of how I feel now, compared to how I had for years. The difference is like night and day. I’m not where I need to be yet, but I am making good progress, there’s still rocky terrain ahead, where there’s potential conflict to face, but I am better prepared.
