Marriage and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
Today’s brain dump is based on recent articles in the press on gay people wanting to be allowed to marry, some what I assume were trolling comments in the Metro’s letters page – “People who don’t have children after two years of being married should have their marriage annulled.” and a couple of my friends annoucing their recent engagement.
Some people view marriage as some kind of finality, a bit like death. It is a commitment which in our stereotyped world means having kids and the end of any kind of socialising with the outside world. When people do have children, regardless of marital status, it will change how they interact with other people, when and what they can do. It does not mean it is the end of their social life, they choose to make it so, or unless they have shite friends.
Even if we remove children from the equation, that hideous laddish stereotype about being “under the thumb” and the idea that you can’t choose any other person to sex up remains. Being “under the thumb” is down the individuals behaviour, even outside of marriage some people will choose spending time with their partner over spending time with their friends, this is natural enough. It only becomes unhealthy when people stop seeing their friends. I don’t get why people have this hang up about being with someone, you could have been with that person for 10 years, why is the concept of making a commitment to continue that frightens people? If it all goes wrong there’s always divorce.
That isn’t supposed to come across as cynical, because sometimes people grow apart, sometimes they become stronger, sometimes people change and turn into someone else. We can’t know how relationships will work out, people outside of your relationship might think they do and if they’re your friends they will, if they have balls, ask if you’re happy*, and will go with your decision or keep quiet, what they won’t do is lecture or berate you for it. If they are your real friends, they know that you are a grown up and responsible for your own decisions.
Relationships can fall apart for a number of reasons, whatever happens you can bet there will be a communication failure, whether it’s someone not listening, or just not talking about things and ignoring problems. In a worse case scenario there is always divorce, it’s not painful, unless you believe it is like a huge weight around your neck with the word “FAILURE” carved into it, which sadly many people do. Whether it’s due to their upbringing, experiences of other people’s divorce or that they blame themself for the divorce, even if that is not necessarily the case. Divorce can be amicable, even if you chose to marry an unstable person, it can still be easier, as long as neither party feel scorned. You may find problems from any new relationships formed and the new partner encouraging the “get everything you can/they deserve nothing” route.
While divorce isn’t always pleasant, it is not the end of the world, it will mean you’ve had a learning experience and any regrets or mistakes you’ve made you’ll learn from them and become a stronger person. Those who say”Marriage is just a piece of paper”, it isn’t. It is a commitment with legal paper work attached and should not be dismissed so easily. It is a commitment to be with someone and to love and look after them along with other things. In case anyone has forgotten, the other person also commits to the same that as well. It’s an equal partnership, that is not “just a piece of paper”. This is something that applies to all of us, if your relationship isn’t in this state, then don’t get married.**
That said, marriage should be for everyone, civil partnerships may offer an alternative to marriage, but it’s not the same, I really don’t see what the issue people have with everyone being allowed to marry? I see archaic views from certain religious sectors of society object for reasons which I find poor and of little relevance. Such people take religion and pick and choose bits to make it fit with their personal viewpoints in life, so the problem isn’t religion, it’s interolerant people. In a similar way that a knife alone doesn’t kill someone, it’s the person holding it and making the stabbing motion into someone else that causes it to happen.
As for me? I was happy when I got married, I was also happy when I got divorced. Would I do it again? If I felt it was the right thing to do then I would.
To my friends getting married? Congratulations to Neil and Lorna, marriage isn’t scary and I’m sure you’ll both be very happy.
* this happened to me – the friends looking out part, not the lecture part.
** this was a choice I had to make and walked away.
