“I may have done what was expected rather than what I wanted.”

I read this yesterday and started thinking about how often most of us live this way. We let things just wash over us whether it’s for an easy life or perhaps because we’re blocking something from our vision. From my own experience I know unhealthy this can be. Stress, indigestion, insomnia and general misery are just a few of the thrills to be experienced before heading towards a minor breakdown.

Using the superpower that we all possess, hindsight, I can easily identify the numerous regrets because I did either what was expected of me or because I didn’t want to rock the boat. I know the reasoning behind each, and me now asking me then, “What the hell were you doing?”, in a similar way to when a parent asks a child why they’ve just done something incredibly stupid, but in the child’s view they can’t fathom out why it’s frowned upon. I can’t quite work it out either, I knew at the time what I should do, but never did because of fear. Fear of repercussions, fear of failure, fear of getting it wrong. It was the day I faced that fear that I started to become who I wanted to be, stupidly I was in my twenties by this point, but the mounting up of times I did what was expected and not being happy about it, along with every time I held my tongue, slowly built towards giving me the strength to realise what I had to do. Everytime I did what was expected it was like another part of me was lost, sounds melodramatic, but when you find yourself freed of restraints you realise how much of yourself you’d recovered.

Nowadays, I’m more inclined to register disatisfaction or debate points, when before I’d bebe desperate to avoid arguments and fights. I’m also less inclined to give a shit about what people think or how they perceive me. I know I create a particular impression sometimes, but if people actually bothered to stop and ask some questions, you might see that is not the only part of me. In spite of this I still look at myself and try to keep my head in check and look at what I’m doing and am aware of the effects and potential impacts of what I am doing. I did wonder the other day if I was getting old as I feel a bit disconnected, but no, life is moving on in various ways, I can see it with my friends, they’re “growing up” as it were, buying houses. C’mon, I did that 10 years ago! I feel grown up these days, I am in a relationship that doesn’t feel rushed, one that has taught me I am good with kids, they find me fun and engaging, which is something even I doubted.

Also I have someone who isn’t afraid to ask me questions and vise versa, always discussions, never arguments. While even now I have expectations placed upon me, such as I won’t lock my girlfriend’s children in a cupboard when they’re naughty. That I have to behave slightly differently around kids, not calling mocking them when they do something dim, watching what I say around them , or referring to baked beans as farties. I tolerate people I’d rather not, for the sake of others. I talk about the things that annoy me from time to time and as a result I feel for once I have a fairly clear perspective on my life. I also accept that at any point I may be proven wrong, but what’s different is that now I’m living more in the moment than I used to and not worrying too much about it. I am now in a position feeling comfortable enough to start doing what I want and I where don’t feel restricted by anything or anyone other than time. I know I will have to be patient for some of the things I want, but that’s easy, they’ll come along, while I’m waiting I’m going to be too busy enjoying life.