Fringe Fun

I write my blog to help arrange my thoughts, I write it for me. My wife says she likes them. I share it in case anyone finds something useful in it for them. I’ve been working on a project, it’s not quite ready, but I feel comfortable enough to write about it.

This week something changed, I went to see a couple of shows at the free fringe on my own, which isn’t something I do, I always go with other people. There were a couple of shows I wanted to made sure I caught and it’s the last week of the fringe, so after work, headed off to the venue, stood around for five minutes, watching three members of staff being confused by several chip and pin machines not working, eventually I got robbed a drink and went to queue early as the show has been really busy. I sat outside in the corridor next to the room happily reading a Fortean Times. Other people started to arrive and I was perfectly comfortable and didn’t feel out of place at all.

If I’d been in a similar situation last year, I’d have been anxious, standing, looking around, wondering what people thought of me. Why is he here on his own? Is he a weird stalker? Who comes to a comedy show on their own? I’d not be able to settle, always on edge, feeling uncomfortable, my mind reeling. This year? None of that. I really wish it was possible to develop a simulator to put people in and let them see what some of the range of feelings related to anxiety and depression feel like, because, why outwardly there’s not always much to see, the feelings inside can be running riot, or they can be subtly undermining. I find it difficult to try and articulate how that feels to people who haven’t experienced such things. I’m really not sure how to explain how pleased with myself I was, I was relaxed and it made me happy and felt like I fitted in.

The show I was queuing for was Ashley Storrie and Other Erotica and I haven’t laughed so much in ages, though I notice over the past year or two I seem to be developing a Mutley ‘heshh heshh heshh‘ laugh, which I can’t decide if it’s cool, or downright bizarre and I should stop it immediately. It’s always good to see comedy that fits with my way of thinking. It made me realise we should go see the occasional bit of comedy at the weekends.

I went for a good walk around Edinburgh afterwards and did a similar thing at the next venue, where it was also £4-£5 for a drink. I sat in the beer garden perfectly calm, reading a book and listening to tunes until it was time for the show, Sofie Hagen’s Shimmer Shatter. An entertaining show, it made me laugh, but elements of it struck chords with me and personally it was, well I can’t think of the word I’m looking for. ‘Fulfilling’ sounds wrong and ‘worthwhile’ makes it sound like I didn’t think I was going to enjoy it, which wasn’t the case. It set me off thinking, to me it seems like, compared to 10-20 years ago, there are more people who think similar ways, have some similar experiences and share them. I realise there were probably always a lot of people like that, but it’s far easier for them to identify themselves, stigmas that were previously there were dissolving. I didn’t feel out of place and alone, for the second time that day I felt I fitted in somewhere, no remnants of awkwardness.