Some Thoughts From The Evil Step-Parent
I know that once I post this, it is likely that an event will occur that will in some way contradict what I’ve written. Life finds it amusing to remind me to be flexible as nothing is ever set in stone.
I have never ruled out having children, I have never really ruled it in either, it’s been a I’ll-deal-with-it-when-such-conversation-arises issue. I look ahead fifty years from now and see a world nearing the apocalypse. It’s even more over populated at 11 billion people. Millions starving, fighting over scraps of food, forced to turn to cannibalism. I read an article recently where they suggested the earth could comfortably sustain 1 billion people, so looks like unless there’s a few natural disasters we’re all doomed.
I have never ruled out having children, I have never really ruled it in either, it’s been a I’ll-deal-with-it-when-such-conversation-arises issue. I look ahead fifty years from now and see a world nearing the apocalypse. It’s even more over populated at 11 billion people. Millions starving, fighting over scraps of food, forced to turn to cannibalism. I read an article recently where they suggested the earth could comfortably sustain 1 billion people, so looks like unless there’s a few natural disasters we’re all doomed.
I have two step-children, who may have to face this potential fictional future. I didn’t bring them into this world so I don’t feel guilty about the world they’ll inhabit when I’m on my death bed. Mainly because I’ve tried to look after the environment, generally avoid eating fish or animals and I try not to be an arsehole. I can seen them smothering me with a pillow so I’ll hurry up and die, just so they have a source of food for the next couple of weeks. As I begin to lose conciousness, I’ll look back and wonder if I helped to make the right decisions when raising them.
Back in the present those decisions I’m partly responsible for making? Parenting children is not an easy task, and it differs a bit with step children. With step parenting I don’t have the emotional bond that most parents form before, at and after the birth of their child. The bond that gets them through the initial sleepless weeks and stops them handing over their child to a random stranger in a park while they have a sleep on the nearest bench. My bond has been slowly developing over time, I had to learn how to talk and act around them when they wondered who is this new person was. It was a bit being thrown in the deep end, I didn’t know how to talk to children, I had to get on with it and hope it was the right thing. I seem to be managing well enough, though sometimes I wonder about they think the line between parent and friend seems to be, wonder if it seems to be more on the friend side than I am comfortable with.
When they are being particularly difficult I wonder what life would be like without them. I wish them no harm, but in rare moment of extreme behaviour I do fleetingly wonder if parents who resort to calming their children through medication perhaps have the right idea, before deciding it’s probably illegal to buy Ritalin on-line and and close the incognito tab about it and the other one about adoption. This if I understand, is a common thought for parents. *
When they are being particularly difficult I wonder what life would be like without them. I wish them no harm, but in rare moment of extreme behaviour I do fleetingly wonder if parents who resort to calming their children through medication perhaps have the right idea, before deciding it’s probably illegal to buy Ritalin on-line and and close the incognito tab about it and the other one about adoption. This if I understand, is a common thought for parents. *
I first met my children when they were two and five years old. I’d had no influence on them until this age, I wonder what effects both positive and negative I might have had on them had they been my own? Would they be the same as now or would they be different in some way?
I don’t want anyone reading to think that I am not attached to my children, it took a long while for it to feel comfortable referring to them as ‘my children’. I reduced my use of the term “step-children” after I got married last year. I’m aware that while I’m not the biological parent, I see them as my children, I help raise them, I try to steer them on the right path, make sure they eat healthily, treat them fairly, try to ensure they are conscientious,well rounded individuals who don’t sit and watch TV and play computer games all day.
This doesn’t mean it’s been plain sailing, we arranged counselling for the older one to help him cope with his occasional anger, frustrations at his dad leaving and a lack of confidence. We found after we got married that it helped cement some stability into his life, so he’s felt more secure. He’s also being assessed at the moment as it’s possible some of his behaviour may be unrelated to environmental factors.
This doesn’t mean it’s been plain sailing, we arranged counselling for the older one to help him cope with his occasional anger, frustrations at his dad leaving and a lack of confidence. We found after we got married that it helped cement some stability into his life, so he’s felt more secure. He’s also being assessed at the moment as it’s possible some of his behaviour may be unrelated to environmental factors.
One thing that will always be true is that I am not their dad. At this point I see the memes going past on Facebook about how being a parent isn’t just biological, there’s a whole lot more to it than that. I am aware of that. They don’t call me dad except accidentally, they usually call me Douglas, I take those accidents as a sign I’m doing something right. I’m not sure I want them to call me Dad. They see their dad, two or three times a week. To his credit he spends time with them, however he could make far more of an effort and make that time of a better quality. He comes round twice a week after school to see them. He is often sat on the sofa watching the TV and looking at the internet on his phone for an hour or so, he does interact sometimes. He also takes them at the weekend.
Christmas is an odd one. The kids always have gone to their aunt’s house (their dad’s sister) on Christmas day. who goes to a lot of trouble to do the whole umpteen course set up, smoked salmon, quail’s eggs, etc. Previous Christmases I’ve gone to my parents and my wife has gone with the kids and her ex. We spent until lunchtime with the boys, then go our separate ways.
2014 was our first Christmas together as a married couple, we decided it would be unfair to the children to not let them go to their aunt’s, there was also the expectation they would go. We had recently acquired a puppy, so at lunchtime on Christmas day, the kids went off, my wife and I took our puppy out for her very first walk at Devilla Forest and then returned home and cooked a veggie Christmas dinner and had a very chilled day. We discussed what to do next Christmas, running away to a cottage was one suggestion. It’s hard because we’re torn between wanting to do something as a family, but at the same time, not wanting to disappoint the kids, who’ve always had a certain set up where Christmas is involved. To take that away from them would be unfair, so 2015 was a repeat of 2014.
I like to think we as adults can be entertaining and funny when it comes to parenting. Aside from being labelled as having “dad jokes”, I think it’s fun to take parenting lessons from Calvin and Hobbes. I did try telling the kids the world used to be black and white, but my wife was having none of it and was advised not to tell them such as they could go into school and start repeating such as fact. That didn’t stop me from trying recently, my wife made a comment about animals crying at the thought of being eaten, the younger child found that comment funny so I said,
“You know the clear juice that comes out of meat when you cut into it? That’s it crying!” This was met with hilarity from the seven year old.
The children are generally well behaved except for the odd sugar crash, bout of illness, lack of sleep or some incident at school turning one or both of them into monsters. In other words, just like normal children. If something is causing upset we try and find the root cause to address it. I am thankful that for at least a couple of years I’ve never had to hear anything along the lines of “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dad.” These sort of changes are never easy for kids, but at the same time it’s been a case of both me and the children learning, having patience and listening to the sagely advice of my wife.
* If you find something here disturbing, it’s more than likely been said tongue in cheek.
